Let yourself go & become who you are

🎶🎶🎶 Songs: “There is a place”, Wilde Roses https://open.spotify.com/track/3yleMJr157yrteVug2GmTF?si=fycc47RlRBulaC73TcSJeA

& “ You feel like home”, Scars on 45 https://youtu.be/vb6xcJp3LDY?si=hXg9OuLcIeT6OEgr

I find making, let alone sticking to plans challenging. Like the cliché says: chaos might as well be my middle name. I consider the fact that that might never change. So my life will continue to be a perfect example of really easily going with the flow, in combination with constant crisismanagement due to lack of focus. I break glasses and plates at a pace I believe (& hope) no one follows. I loose keys while holding them in my hand. I can remember a meeting that is planned within an hour but still forget to show up, …

So I gave up on plans. The only one I ám committed to stick firmly to is this wisdom of Lao Tzu. Because the more I let go of who I am, the more I become who I might truly be. It may seem controversial, but I experience it to be true. And I love it!

It actually took me yet another dark period not even that long ago to finally figure out that I totally missed out on living life as the woman I genuinely am. I didn’t even consciously meet her at least the first 40 years of life. So while I thought I matured early, in some ways I am a late bloomer after all.

I know from my personal life and professionally that many others experience the same. As a mediator I usually meet people in a very tumultuous phase of life. Many times they talk about finding or discovering themselves, getting more insightfull in their own patterns, experiencing the impact of their upbringing,…

Maybe you also recognize at least partly what I write?

It makes me believe as I get older that maybe us people don’t really change? But that in fact we become more & more the version we originally were or are supposed to be.

As newborn babies us humans feel perfect the way we are. And then we get covered by layers of expectations, standards, blame, limitations and judgments. The way we are raised also has huge impact on how we develop step by step our adult version.

I was a pleaser. In a way I still am, but now consciously, because I like it. Always aiming to ‘earn’ love, searching confirmation for my existence. Adjusting, making sure to primarily make the other happy. Not daring to expect much to not be a hassle. Trying to live up to other’s expectations and needs, but ignoring my inner voice. Putting myself down, doubting my own judgment, not believing I was worth loving.

It was not ‘them’ to blame of course. It was all on me.

And yes, it took many disappointments, dark periods and finally a very painful relational rejection to start the most important search operation I ever undertook. To find myself and figuring out ánd showing up as who I actually am, speaking words to vocalize my inner voice and pulling my inside out.

Now I know that the more I tried to be the girl I thought I needed to be, the more I lost myself. Trying too hard was part of my “dis-ease”. When being left, heartbroken and in pieces, I was called by a force of human nature to become whole again by embracing all parts of me. And it was by discovering the real me, that also so much love was added to life.

In that process I haven’t stopped losing carkeys, just like I will keep on losing myself becoming, being and staying me. The person to love me, others & life.